no beans for you

The general consensus (general meaning my doctor, my vegetarian friend who also got sick and is also named Rebecca, only she spells it differently, and me) is that I contracted malaria in Apac. I was up there for work, checking out a sports program that GYPA runs in conjunction with The Kids League.

You get to Apac by shared taxi from Lira. “Shared” is used here in the most liberal sense of the word: our driver packed eight people and a baby, plus him, into his four-door sedan. The trip takes about 90 minutes on a surprisingly smooth dirt road, and the taxi dumps you out in the center of town — a pleasant little roundabout surrounded by a bank, a couple of guys selling washtubs in a wide variety of bright colors, and a DVD store.

Howard, the GYPA program coordinator who runs things in Apac, spent a couple of hours running us through the activities there, and then he helped us find a hotel near the center of town. This took us all the way until 1:00 or so, at which point we assured the worried Howard he could leave us and go back to work — we were perfectly capable of feeding and entertaining ourselves for the rest of the day.

Thus it began: the most epic search for food I have ever experienced. We didn’t ask for much: beans, rice, maybe chapatti — something simple and easy, common Ugandan staple food. Our quest took us all over town, onto two bicycles and to six different restaurants, all of which were staffed by women who told us the exact same thing:

“Smoked meat. Fresh meat. No beans. No rice. No chapatti.”

It was an anti-vegetarian conspiracy, developed and manned by a gang of sisters who ran Apac’s food distribution behind the backs of the LC5. An entire city — a district seat, no less — and no beans to be found. Rebecca and I sat in our hotel room for a minute, wondering what we would do.

“Cassava!” Rebecca shouted suddenly. We looked at each other. Of course! It was so simple!

We trekked back to the main road, where we had seen three women selling roasted cassava during our search for sustenance. We acquired two of the tasteless, tubular roots, and then stood for a minute, slightly unsure of how to proceed.

“…and Top-Up?” Rebecca suggested timidly.

“And Top-Up!” I yelled with enthusiasm. The supermarket across from our hotel, which was the only supermarket in town, sold a number of condiments, children’s clothing and drinks (powdered and bottled) but no actual food. Two bottles of Top-Up (one regular, one spicy) and two bottles of water later, we settled into the hotel lobby for lunch.

The matron came by and gave us a long stare. “You like cassava?” she inquired, almost condescendingly. “With Top-Up?” We nodded, mouths full. “I make you something to eat,” she offered. It wasn’t exactly a question. “Smoked meat. Fresh meat.” We shook our heads no, and she walked off, muttering to herself.

The next morning we found our way to the taxi park, which consisted of a single van waiting for passengers to take back to Lira. At some point during the wait, Rebecca tugged at my sleeve.

“Look,” she whispered, pointing out the window.

It was the Apac market.

Note: we experienced an equally difficult search for cabbage in Gulu, until we figured out where they’d all been hiding: in the bed of a truck nestled a few blocks off the main road, just sitting there. Not for sale.

he’s not really, i promise

A while ago I took a boda-boda from work back to my house. The driver recognized me and asked about my friend:

Me: Oh, he’s back in the States.

Driver: What?

Me: He went back home. To the U.S.

Driver: What?

Me: He left. He’s gone. In America.

Driver: What?

Me: His time here is finished.

Driver: Oh, sorry. My sister, she is also finished. In May.

Me: Finished? No, no, not like that. He’s not dead. He just went back home.

Driver: [Nodding head and clucking his tongue sympathetically] Yes, yes. Dead.

too lazy to post

On Sunday I promised Josh I would “rake him over the coals” about Somalia. Am clearly a little behind. Here’s what’s been distracting me:

Scientists discover ‘natural barrier’ to HIV
(via Communist Socks & Boots)
Will the more medically-minded among you explain to me why no one but Yahoo and Web MD and some newspaper in China is talking about this? It seems like big, big news to me.

Jesus comes to Gulu
Best part of the article: “Reporters attending the scene sadly failed to confirm the sighting.” I can’t find anything online to verify this, but apparently there’s a pastor in Gulu who predicted a series of events for 2007, including the Jesus siting, an earthquake, a lunar eclipse and a plague of butterflies. He’s doing pretty good so far, I’d say.

Uganda’s courts closed down
Museveni’s Black Mambas pissed off the Judiciary when they tried to re-arrest several People’s Redemption Army suspects after they’d just been granted bail. The courts are on strike until they receive “an assurance from the government that there won’t be a re-occurrence of an armed invasion of courts.”

Somalia article coming soon.

imagine the google search results this will get me

When I think of pleasant ways to spend a Sunday afternoon in Uganda, listening to a six-year-old sing karaoke to “My Heart Will Go On” while watching a man hack an entire roast pig to pieces with a machete in preparation for a cock fight isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.

But when in Uganda, do as the Filipinos do (that’s what I always say). I was escorted to this whizbang of a socio-cultural experience by my new friend Richard, to whom I was introduced this weekend thusly:

“This is Richard! Tomorrow, he’s going to show us his cock!”

Intrigued, both by the introduction and by the way this small man reminded me of Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, I befriended him and scored an invitation to what turned out to be his distant relative’s baptism celebration, which, he told me ecstatically, wouldn’t be complete without a traditional Filipino cock fight.

Sunday morning saw me barreling down Entebbe Road in a car driven by a hungover Japanese ex-supermodel, listening to Richard explain the finer technicalities of the legal status of cockfighting in Uganda.

“The cocks are so big in my country,” he informed me proudly. “So the police here, they cannot trap us. Our embassy told the government about the cocks, and they said, if we have the cockfight in private, it’s okay.”

Thus assured, I arrived at the house of Richard’s relative, too late for the baptism but just in time for the karaoke. Richard regaled the crowd with a few songs in Tagalog before relinquishing the microphone to a little girl who proceeded to alternate between Madonna and Celine Dion for the next twenty minutes.

Then came lunch, announced by the ceremonious rolling-out of an entire spit-roasted pig. The head was hacked off to cheers and continued karaoke, pork juices flying across the dining room and landing on the carpet and, occasionally, on innocent bystanders – a true symphony of sights, sounds and sensations.

After lunch we went outside to examine the cocks. Richard explained the differences between local, Texan and Filipino cocks (“These local cocks, they are weak. The ones from Texas are aggressive, but the cocks we have in my country, they are clever!”), and I was persuaded by a chain-smoking man with gold teeth to pose for a picture with his cock. “This will make the New Vision,” he promised me, though the captions I was imagining seemed more fit for the Red Pepper.

As the weighing and sizing of cocks for the first fight began, I was struck by how serious of an event this actually is. I assumed one simply threw a couple of roosters into the ring and let them have at it until one of them gave it up in a burst of blood and feathers, but the procedure is much more complex.

First the cocks are thoroughly examined for injuries. Their owners then swap cocks to inspect their opponents, ensuring that both are approximately the same shape and size. Then the cocks are given to the cockmasters, who strap a scythe-looking blade onto the left foot of each competitor (“All cocks are left-handed,” Richard tells me).

The owners step into the ring with their cocks tucked under their armpits. Each cock is given the chance to peck at the neck of the other before they are set on the ground, facing each other. And then it begins, with the squawking and the flapping and the slashing. It lasts approximately 30 seconds, or until one of the cocks is too battered and limp to continue.

I was ready to go after the first fight, but Richard and his countrymen were loving this — 50,000 shilling notes and hundred dollar bills were flashing around like confetti, and I learned that some gamblers can earn as much as $1000 a week if they choose the right cocks. I refrained from betting, suspecting that the protection afforded the Filipinos by their embassy may not extend to me (and also a bit hesitant to place my money on a cock who, if I picked wrongly, may shortly meet his maker).

After a few more rounds, I left Richard to his cocks and returned to the relative safety of Kampala, where I spent the rest of the day trying to ward off the images of bleeding cocks that were assaulting my brain. While I appreciate Richard’s enthusiasm in sharing what is obviously a very important part of his culture, I think I’ll stay away from any future offers to accompany him to events involving bloodsports.

For those who aren’t so opposed: research today uncovered advertisements for the International 8-Cock Derby and this gallery of fighting cocks.